Separation - not easy whatever your age

YESTERDAY, Rob, Emily and I went up to visit Alex at University. Alex is my middle child; he's 19 years old and a popular, outgoing and independent boy. Alex has now been there 8 weeks and it was our first visit to him since dropping him off - he has been home twice though. The situation has been more traumatic than he envisaged largely down to separation issues, I think.

At first the whole prospect of University was exciting for him. He had interviews and subsequently offers from his chosen places. On A - Level results day he was delighted to get in to his 1st choice University. Over the next few weeks reality struck as he realised he would be leaving us, his girlfriend and his friends - even though all his friends were also going to University. As we bought more items for him to take (bedding, cooking utensils etc.) he seemed to find the thought of leaving more daunting

Having gone through the 'child going off to University' process 2 years earlier with Matthew, we did know what to expect. Separation is hard but we realise you have to go through it and allow it to happen as its all part of growing up. For Alex the whole process was made worse by a nasty car accident 2 weeks before he went. He was driving and I was in the car with him when we were involved in a multiple car accident - it wasn't his fault and we ended up sandwiched in between 2 cars. The accident made us both feel very vulnerable especially as the people in front and behind of us went off in an ambulance.

Before Alex left we did explain the need to allow himself to separate both from us and his girlfriend, who was going to another University. It reminded me of when the children were little and leaving them at nursery school. I knew I was doing the right thing but leaving a sobbing 2 year old I questioned myself as to if it was all worth it - surely they could stay at home another year and then go to nursery - but deep down I knew they had to go and would settle. With nursery I was in control, it was my decision. With University I can guide but the decision is with Alex. Alex decided that one weekend he would go to see his girlfriend and one weekend she would go to visit him. As the experienced adult I explained the need to be independent and advised they should settle down at their own Universities. However, they felt they would be fine and wanted to do it their way. I pointed out that I'm sure the child going to nursery would prefer to stay at home but this isn't for the best.

Alex has had difficulty settling in. The car accident and weekly visits to or from his girlfriend hasn't helped. He's fine all day but shutting the bedroom door and being alone all night hasn't been easy for him as he feels isolated. He knows he can phone whenever he wants and despite one call at 2am we are happy he knows we are here for him and feels he can phone us.

Yesterday when we visited, Charlotte his girlfriend, was up with him for the weekend. Alex is slowly but surely settling in and was pleased we went to see him. We were happy to see him more cheerful and to meet some of his friends. As parents, it's hard to leave your child in a strange place, especially knowing they are a bit homesick. It helped us to see his room again, with the posters he bought during Freshers week and to see where the different departments are around the town. We can at least now picture where he is and sympathise with his 40 minute walk from his room to lectures. 

I can remember my first term at University, feeling homesick and isolated. I also found it hard to leave my family and friends; however I did enjoy the experience. Learning to deal with independence for both adult and child isn't easy but it is a necessary step to take. I can tell Alex is now settling in and beginning to enjoy his time away. In 3 weeks he is home for the Christmas holidays and I'm certain next term will be easier for him especially as he now knows what to expect.

Comments

[Peggy@ Perfectly Happy Mum]

I can remember so well that phase of my life. The prospect was very exciting but when I faced the situation it was another matter... I cried for 3 weeks and then picked myself up and realised it was it, I was an independant adult. The fact that it was abroad as well was a real extra weight. The language, culture, traditions and even silly things such as TV programs I was used to made it quite difficult but as you say so well, we have to go through it, it's the normal way things go.
My boys are only 3yrs old and 17 mths old so I have a little while before they leave me, but I hope I will take it with as much philosophy as you.

[karen]

Thank you for sharing your story. I really don't know how we would survive if Alex was abroad, it would be so much worse - but I'm sure in the end we would adjust! I'm very relieved he's only a few hours away - as a Mum you can't stop worrying even when they're older.
Make the most of your two boys - it's amazing just how quickly those years go.